It is so hard to believe that it has been one year since my mom was taken from this earth. I have spent a lot of time over the last couple of weeks, especially, thinking and praying for God's peace and comfort for me, as well as for my brothers and sister. We all had our own unique relationship with Mama, but it hurts the same that she is no longer here.
Yesterday was nothing like I expected it would be. I planned a day out with the kids because I didn't want to be cooped up in this house with my thoughts. Those plans quickly changed because of the weather (yet something else I have NO control over). I adjusted our plans and we proceeded about our day. I just didn't want to be at home and most definitely didn't want to be alone. I wanted to stay busy and avoid dealing with reality as much as possible. However, reality set in fast when our outing was over and we were back home. The kids took off to play and do their own thing, Alex was still at work and I was left with just me. The reality was, I was alone! Alone with my thoughts and feelings and I must admit, it was AWFUL!!!
I was sad for so many reasons. My mom is gone. I can't just call her when I want to. I can't fix what was broken in our relationship or apologize for all the times I was stubborn or hardheaded, as she so frequently called me. Holidays, birthdays, and special occasions will come and go and she will never have the chance to be apart of any of them. Ashton and Maddie will never get to know her as I remembered her as a kid. Life happens and I some times catch myself wondering if Casey has told her about "that", whatever it happens to be at the time. I randomly think about something she might cook and think, "I'll just text her and ask for it.", then remember I can't. It all just makes me sad!
It makes me sad that people avoid the topic. I realize that people don't like awkward, uncomfortable conversations or crying and death isn't a topic everyone is just excited to talk about, but it's real. It's real for me. Some times I want to just talk about it and get it off my chest. Some times I want advice on how to deal with how I am feeling. Some times I want to just cry and have some one sitting there to lean on while I get it all out.
Yesterday I was just disappointed! I was disappointed because my mom's life ended so unexpectedly and I didn't get that one last chance to tell her so many things I wish I could've told her. I was disappointed because I don't remember the last time I told her how much I loved her. I was disappointed because, though I know in my head, that God has a plan it doesn't make it any less painful that she is gone and I don't quite see the plan in that. I was disappointed because I wasn't the fun mom my kids deserve and expected yesterday. I was disappointed because I got upset and yelled at Maddie, which scared her and made her cry. I was disappointed because people I thought would be there, weren't. I just went to bed last night disappointed and defeated.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
This morning I woke up and really just wanted to roll back over. I didn't want to face another day of disappointment and sadness. I forced myself to get up and headed for the gym, knowing I'd feel better afterwards. My friend text me on the way saying she couldn't make it, but I was already in route and so I went on. Alone with my thoughts and worship music, I sensed God telling me I have no right to be disappointed. What?!?!?! I am having a PPC (pity party for Courtney) here. I was expecting to be showered with calls, texts, prayers and love from "people" to help me get thru the day because I didn't think I had the strength to do it without them. BUT I WAS WRONG! I can't expect people to meet all my expectations. All I really needed, I had the whole time. God is always there and has been there the entire time. HE got me through. I spent the day placing my expectations and hopes on earthly things and earthly people when I should have been fully relying on my Heavenly Father instead.
Cast your burdens on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.
So, to the people that I placed my unfair expectations, I apologize! I apologize for feeling like you let me down, when it was never your job in the first place. I love you all and appreciate all the support you have given to me over the last year. I have learned a lot about myself and I continue to learn more. I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be.