Heavy Heart

This past week has been extremely difficult for me. As mothers day has approached, I have been filled with a wide range of emotions, not all of which I am proud of. I have gone from sadness, to anger, to bitterness, to just pure confusion and at the end of the day I am still seeking some sort of peace and understanding.

You all know that I don't have the best relationship with my mother. Some days I tell myself "it is what it is" and others it is much harder for me to swallow. It isn't that I DON'T want a better relationship with her, because I do. Its more so that I just don't think its physically possible and I really struggle with that. I see all the "Miss Connie" moms of the world and I'm so jealous. I hear people talk about their moms and I can't really chime in. I know that I shouldn't be jealous, but I can't help it some times. There are so many things that I feel like I've missed out on sharing with my mom because of our "lack" of a relationship. Yes, I can hear some of you now, she isn't gone, so you can still have a relationship with her. And technically you are correct. However, its just not that simple. My friends talk about their moms and how they can't wait to call them and tell them (fill in the blank), but I can't relate to that. My mom is almost always the last person I call if I even call her at all. Its sad, but true. Its mothers day and I wish so badly that we had a relationship in which I wanted to spend the day with her making her feel special, loved and appreciated, but I don't. Its awful and I can't help but feel some guilt about it! I continue to pray for her and our relationship and despite how difficult it is for me some times, I am trusting in the fact that I know God has a plan and in HIS timing he will reveal it to me.